Friday, July 22, 2011

I've come a long way

I have been writing my blog a little bit over a year. I remember reading other women's blog and finding comfort in thier words. Things that helped them get through the first year and beyond. I remember the days when I first started writing, the feelings I had, the emotions I was going through. I remember the days when I would cry for hours, I couldn't be around people with tiny babies, and would reply "No I don't have children".

This are different now and I feel different now. I know I am not the same as I was before I lost Jackson but I feel better. Don't get me wrong I have my days, the ones where I look at videos or photos of Jackson and can't stop the tears from coming. Even thinking about the pictures for our wedding and knowing that Jackson will be missing. The thought brings tears to my eyes everytime I think about it.

Some things that I have been able to overcome are going to a best friends baby shower. My best friend is having a baby in August and I can't wait for her little guy to join this world. I can honestly say I am excited for her as well as my sister. I know it took everything she had to tell me she was pregnant (shortly after I had lost my baby as well as having her son a week after Jackson died). She has not had it easy either but in her own way. Lisa I know you will read this but I am so very excited and proud of the mother and sister you are and have been to me. I can't wait to see our children grow up together and become best friends. I can only imagine what your speech will be at the wedding.

I remember being worried that I would have a meltdown everytime a friend would tell me they were pregnant. Now I am ok with it and can't wait to hear who is. I would love to say I just woke up and I was ok. Writing has helped me and but I think the thing that has helped me the most was Yoga and meditation with some wonderful women and from the beginning knew my whole story. I think that everyone should try different things that help them. Even if other people think its a little outside of the box or even if its in the box. If it works and makes you feel better then do it.
People will always judge you know matter what, but they haven't had to go through the loss of a child and I'm sure if they walked a mile in our shoes they would give them back. So take care of yourself in whatever way you need to and forget what the rest of world thinks.

Friday, December 3, 2010

A visit to the Shaman

As part of my natural fertility treatment I meet with a Shaman. Your probably all like wtf is a shaman. Maybe not. Online what I read was that:

"Shamanism encompasses the belief that shamans are intermediaries or messengers between the human world and the spirit worlds. Shamans are said to treat ailments/illness by mending the soul. Alleviating traumas affecting the soul/spirit restores the physical body of the individual to balance and wholeness. The shaman also enters supernatural realms or dimensions to obtain solutions to problems afflicting the community. Shamans may visit other worlds/dimensions to bring guidance to misguided souls and to ameliorate illnesses of the human soul caused by foreign elements. The shaman operates primarily within the spiritual world, which in turn affects the human world. The restoration of balance results in the elimination of the ailment."

The reason I thought that this natural fertility process would be good for me is that I am a true believer in the fact that the reason we get sick, or are in pain, or even not getting pregnant, is because they are a manifestation of something we are not dealing with spiritually or emotionally. I felt that the reason I wasn't getting pregnant is because something was blocking from becoming pregnant. The Shaman was part of this treatment because she is going to help me mend my soul and hopefully get me back to a place of balance.

I could go to the doctor and he could pump me full of drugs and maybe they work and maybe they don't. That right now is my last resort, but what I do want is to deal with the pain and loss that I am feeling and feel everyday so that I can be a better parent as well as a present parent to my other children.

What I do hear over and over again is that I should get myself together before trying again. I am trying but its hard to stop trying when all you want to do is try. Unfortunately it takes me back to the 16 year old me that wanted her belly button pierced and her mom told her no....let's just say that I have a hole in my belly button. I am stubborn and I look forward to the stubborn children I will probably raise.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A different person now

I wish that people knew me before Jackson died. For those people that did I am obviously not the same woman I was. I worry more about things then I use to. I wrote Tim on Saturday because I was worried about him driving 30 minutes away. I hate going to big functions without someone I know there to support me. I can't say I was one of those woman that was hung up on how they looked. I never really did my make up or hair, mostly because I worked at a daycare and make up just melts off and my hair is in a ponytail most of the time anyways.

Today it became apparent that I am a totally different person. I had my first fertility appointment. I met with a ayurvedic doctor. After talking to him for an hour about my health I realized how much I have let myself go. I know it is normal to go downhill but, sometimes I forget how downhill I have gone. I don't care what I eat as long as I eat (which I know some people are saying good for you for eating). I don't care that I have gained weight and I don't work out. Not that I was a big fan of it but you should do it. I also don't go out like I use to, either shopping or otherwise. I hate going in to town because it so nuts but at least it gets me out of the house. Soon we will because we have a wedding to plan and I can't do that from home.

That is the other thing. I totally want to get married and I had been putting off setting a date for 2011 in fear that I would be pregnant again. A little bit pregnant at a wedding is fine but I don't want to be about to give birth pregnant. I made to decision to just start planning and whatever happens I can always move back the date and we can still get married. So now instead of focusing so much on getting pregnant I have decided to dive into planning and taking care of myself. Then whatever happens, happens.