Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A different person now

I wish that people knew me before Jackson died. For those people that did I am obviously not the same woman I was. I worry more about things then I use to. I wrote Tim on Saturday because I was worried about him driving 30 minutes away. I hate going to big functions without someone I know there to support me. I can't say I was one of those woman that was hung up on how they looked. I never really did my make up or hair, mostly because I worked at a daycare and make up just melts off and my hair is in a ponytail most of the time anyways.

Today it became apparent that I am a totally different person. I had my first fertility appointment. I met with a ayurvedic doctor. After talking to him for an hour about my health I realized how much I have let myself go. I know it is normal to go downhill but, sometimes I forget how downhill I have gone. I don't care what I eat as long as I eat (which I know some people are saying good for you for eating). I don't care that I have gained weight and I don't work out. Not that I was a big fan of it but you should do it. I also don't go out like I use to, either shopping or otherwise. I hate going in to town because it so nuts but at least it gets me out of the house. Soon we will because we have a wedding to plan and I can't do that from home.

That is the other thing. I totally want to get married and I had been putting off setting a date for 2011 in fear that I would be pregnant again. A little bit pregnant at a wedding is fine but I don't want to be about to give birth pregnant. I made to decision to just start planning and whatever happens I can always move back the date and we can still get married. So now instead of focusing so much on getting pregnant I have decided to dive into planning and taking care of myself. Then whatever happens, happens.

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