I have been writing my blog a little bit over a year. I remember reading other women's blog and finding comfort in thier words. Things that helped them get through the first year and beyond. I remember the days when I first started writing, the feelings I had, the emotions I was going through. I remember the days when I would cry for hours, I couldn't be around people with tiny babies, and would reply "No I don't have children".
This are different now and I feel different now. I know I am not the same as I was before I lost Jackson but I feel better. Don't get me wrong I have my days, the ones where I look at videos or photos of Jackson and can't stop the tears from coming. Even thinking about the pictures for our wedding and knowing that Jackson will be missing. The thought brings tears to my eyes everytime I think about it.
Some things that I have been able to overcome are going to a best friends baby shower. My best friend is having a baby in August and I can't wait for her little guy to join this world. I can honestly say I am excited for her as well as my sister. I know it took everything she had to tell me she was pregnant (shortly after I had lost my baby as well as having her son a week after Jackson died). She has not had it easy either but in her own way. Lisa I know you will read this but I am so very excited and proud of the mother and sister you are and have been to me. I can't wait to see our children grow up together and become best friends. I can only imagine what your speech will be at the wedding.
I remember being worried that I would have a meltdown everytime a friend would tell me they were pregnant. Now I am ok with it and can't wait to hear who is. I would love to say I just woke up and I was ok. Writing has helped me and but I think the thing that has helped me the most was Yoga and meditation with some wonderful women and from the beginning knew my whole story. I think that everyone should try different things that help them. Even if other people think its a little outside of the box or even if its in the box. If it works and makes you feel better then do it.
People will always judge you know matter what, but they haven't had to go through the loss of a child and I'm sure if they walked a mile in our shoes they would give them back. So take care of yourself in whatever way you need to and forget what the rest of world thinks.